Quite simply, vodka is a distilled beverage composed
primarily of water and ethanol. The name
"vodka" is a diminutive form of the Slavic word voda (water),
interpreted as “little water.” This
isn’t an uncommon theme, as the word “whisky” is derived from the Gaelic “uisge
beatha” or water of life.
Vodka may be distilled from any starch- or sugar-rich plant
matter; most vodka today is produced from grains such as sorghum, corn, rye or
wheat. Among grain vodkas, rye and wheat vodkas are generally considered
superior. Some vodkas are made from potatoes, molasses, soybeans, grapes, rice,
sugar beets and sometimes even byproducts of oil refining or wood pulp
processing. That sounds appealing, no?
In some Central
European countries, such as Poland, vodka is sometimes even produced by just
fermenting a solution of crystal sugar and yeast. In the European Union there
are talks about the standardization of vodka, and the Vodka Belt countries
insist that only spirits produced from grains, potato and sugar beet molasses
be allowed to be branded as "vodka", following the traditional
methods of production.
In the United States, many vodkas are surprisingly made from
95% ethanol produced in large quantities by agricultural-industrial giants
Archer Daniels Midland and Midwest Grain Processors. Bottlers purchase the base
spirits in bulk, then filter, dilute, distribute and market the end product
under a variety of vodka brand names. Think about that a minute. The stuff
you’re paying top-dollar for because some rapper held up a bottle of it in a
video might have started off as the same stuff they make that crappy gasoline
from that’s 30 cents a gallon cheaper but destroys your engine over time. Buyer
beware.
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| I like how the 85% ethanol is at a minimum 70% ethanol. WTF? |
Vodka is the chameleon of spirits and blends seamlessly with
just about anything. This is no accident, friends. While there are no universal
rules for producing the spirit, the final product is supposed to be colorless,
odorless and tasteless. With that said, vodka isn’t completely neutral, and a
number of distillers actually leave in a good amount of flavor. (The best way
to taste these subtle differences is to drink vodka neat at room temperature.)
Unlike Scotches and cognacs, which are made in pot stills, vodka is usually
produced in a high-volume, continuous column still. After distillation, the
spirit is filtered to remove any remaining impurities and congeners. Coal is a
traditional filter, but brands today use a range of materials, even including
diamonds. Vodka isn’t aged and can be bottled and sold immediately after
production. What’s also helping to drive sales in America is the wide range of
flavored vodkas now on the market, because God knows we Yanks can’t drink
anything without added flavors and sugars in it.
A common property of the vodkas produced in the United
States and Europe is the extensive use of filtration prior to any additional
processing like the addition of flavorants. Filtering is sometimes done in the
still during distillation, as well as afterwards where the distillate is
filtered through activated charcoal and other media to absorb trace amounts of congeners
that alter or impart off-flavors to the vodka. However, this is not the case in
the traditional vodka-producing nations, so many distillers from these
countries prefer to use very accurate distillation but minimal filtering, thus
preserving the unique flavors and characteristics of their products.
The master distiller is in charge of production and
directing the filtration, which includes the removal of the
"fore-shots", "heads" and "tails". These
components of the distillate contain flavor compounds such as ethyl acetate and
ethyl lactate (heads) as well as the fusel oils (tails) that impact the usually
desired clean taste of vodka. Through numerous rounds of distillation, or the
use of a fractioning still, the taste is modified and clarity is increased. In
contrast, distillery process for liquors such as whiskies and rum allow
portions of the "heads" and "tails" to remain, giving them
their unique flavors.
Repeated distillation of vodka will make its ethanol level
much higher than is acceptable to most end users, whether legislation
determines strength limits or not. Depending on the distillation method and the
technique of the stillmaster, the final filtered and distilled vodka may have
as much as 95–96% ethanol. (Hey, kinda like that stuff I mentioned above.) As
such, most vodka is diluted with water prior to bottling.
So yeah, like with any liquors, some of it is lesser-grade
and some is considered ultra-premium. If you can get it for ten bucks for a
750ml plastic bottle, it probably isn’t really ready to be drunk neat and is
better off as a mixer ingredient. However, I hasten to add that mid-range
reasonably-priced vodkas are readily available and those over-the top
super-premiums distilled half a dozen times and filtered through diamonds are
just a way to part you from your money as you attempt vainly to look like a
high-roller at the club.
Whattaya’ mean,
Wingman? The more times it’s done, the better, right? I mean, it’s purer and
they used diamonds, bro…
Seriously, guys, read between the lines.
The more you distill it the purer it gets. At a certain
point is it 95% ethanol….just like the ethanol made in the giant factories and
turned into the crap ruining your car engines at 85%. Either way, they have to
water it down to make drinkable vodka. And really? Wasting diamonds on
filtering alcohol? That’s the vodka equivalent of a tequila worm or a scorpion
in the bottle. A marketing gimmick. Diamonds are better served as part of a saw
blade or in jewelry. And you know what a diamond started off as? A hunk of
coal. Squeezed by tectonic plates for a few million years, it becomes a
diamond. Stick to the stuff filtered through charcoal.
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| If you drink something because a dude who wears sunglasses indoors says so, stop reading and kill yourself now |
However, if you’re truly one of those concerned about status
symbols and looking like a baller (But why the hell are you even reading my advice site if you’re like that?) there’s stuff like Kors Vodka.
I’m paraphrasing this from their website because their sentence structure &
syntax leads me to believe it wasn’t originally written in English: “A top-guarded recipe (from a Czar and his
brother) that was once considered lost, water from the Italian Alps, diamond-filtered
distillation, hand selected grains from 12 countries, and gold distillation
tubes make Kors like nothing you have ever tasted. No wonder it is one of the
most sought after Vodka drinks on the Planet.”
Kors is quite simply the
most expensive vodka on the market. Pundits say the taste is superb and like nothing
you’ve ever tried before (something tells me it tastes like vodka) but it’s the
shape of the crystal bottle that makes people turn their heads when you have it
on the table. And after all, that’s why you spend half a year’s salary on a
bottle of booze; to be looked at like you’re special.
Half a year’s salary,
Wingman?
Well, the Silver Edition, of which only 1250 bottles were
made, runs you $12,500. The Gold Edition of 750 bottles goes for $16,500 a
bottle. And if you’re really so rich you can wipe your ass with hundreds, the
24K George V Limited Edition of just 250 bottles runs you a mere $24,500 a
bottle. Digest THAT morsel a minute...For something that will be urine a couple hours after it passes your
lips.
Less expensive and only slightly less pretentious is elit,
the super high-end from Stolichnaya. Ordinarily, Stoli is a reasonably-priced
and quality vodka, but this is catering to that Hey Look At Me crowd. The
newest elit offering is the Himalayan Edition. It’s distilled from untainted water collected
from a tank over 10,000 feet in the foothills of the Himalayas in Nepal’s
Langtang National Park, originating from snowmelt and naturally filtered
through layers of stone during its journey down the hill. The water is then
combined with the purest winter wheat from the Tambov Region of Russia. Limited
to just 300 bottles, it comes in hand-blown Bohemian Czech bottles, each sealed
with an attractive golden ice pick and supplied in a numbered, hand-carved
walnut case. And at just $3,000 a bottle it’s a steal.
Still too steep? Try Crystal Head vodka, the brain child of
none other than Dan Ackroyd, who wanted to drink a vodka made without any
additives like sugar, glycerol, or citrus oils.
A product of Newfoundland, Canada, Crystal Head is made with a variety
of corn called Peaches & Cream grown in Ontario and after distillation is
diluted with Newfoundland glacier water before being filtered seven times. Of
course, three of those times is through (of course) diamonds. Because why?
Because diamonds, that’s why. Actually, in Ackroyd’s case, the Herkimer
diamonds are supposed to impart magical healing qualities. The vodka gets its
name from the impressive skull bottle made in Milan by Bruni Glass. A 750 ml
bottle is a little more expensive than most of the decent brands but at about
45 bucks, it’s a hell of a lot better than 4 and 5 digits.
Back down here amongst the commoners, you can get
outstanding vodkas without breaking the bank. One can never go wrong with the
products of Absolut, Smirnoff, and the aforementioned Stoli. One of the finest
vodkas I’ve ever tried is from, of all places, Ireland, distilled five times
and filtered through ten feet of Irish oak charcoal. I highly recommend Boru
vodka; I normally eschew sipping vodka neat and prefer mixers, but this was
smoother than smooth, without that characteristic burn of straight alcohol.
If flavored vodka is to your liking, there are a myriad of
flavors to choose from, almost an embarrassment of riches in the number of
varieties. You name the fruit and
somebody has added it to vodka. Birthday cake? Yup. Whipped Cream? Cinnamon?
Vanilla? Chocolate? Yes, indeed. Chili Pepper? Why not.
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| Between Stoli and Absolut they cover damn near every flavor |
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| Seriously, cucumber vodka is quite the rage these days. |
Locally here in South Carolina, Firefly has made a name for
itself with Sweet Tea vodka featuring tea from the Charleston Tea Plantation,
and has started making a vodka from native muscadine grapes at their distillery
on Wadamalaw Island.
Need something more exotic? There’s a rye-based vodka very
popular in Poland and Belarus flavored with bison grass, with a piece of the
grass in the bottle. Of course there’s bacon vodka. Why? I dunno; it’s bacon.
Does there ever really have to be a reason for bacon?
Of course, with so many vodkas being virtually equal, some
distillers go out of their way with unsusual packaging to make theirs stand out
even from the ones previously discussed.
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| The flat rectangle approach |
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| Why not use a cylinder? |
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| The bottle itself is artwork |
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| The clever vodka log |
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| The cap unscrews to become a shotglass in this Scottish vodka |
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| Ed Hardy will fucking put a tattoo drawing on anything. |
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| The artillery shell in an ammo box, with shotglasses |
But Wingman, whatever
shall we do with all this great and grand supply of vodka out there?
Oh, young tadpoles, the number of cocktails made with vodka
rivals the number of dollars in the federal defecit. Here are but a few to get
you started.
The Classic Vodka Martini
2 ounces vodka
3/4 ounce dry vermouth
2 dashes bitters (optional)
Lemon twist or 3 olives for garnish
Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice.
Shake well.
Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon
twist or olives.
Now, there are umpteen million variations on the martini.
Most of these start with a sweet flavor and end with –tini, like the appletini,
pomtini, or chocolatini. Not all of these are “chick drinks”, mind you, and
many serve as a nice dessert cocktail. Mostly though, they work as a great
refresher on a hot summer night.
The Ultimate Pear Martini
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce pear vodka
1 ounce pear nectar
1/2 ounce fresh lime juice
1/4 ounce agave
nectar
Pour all ingredients into a mixing glass. Add ice and shake
for 10 seconds. Strain into a chilled martini glass and garnish with a Chilean
baby Pear.
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| This is my buddy Peter, who will be adding some articles here in the future, rocking a pear martini in NYC. |
Another classic vodka cocktail is the Screwdriver, along
with its cousins the Greyhound/Salty Dog, and Cape Codder. Vodka and orange
juice, grapefruit juice, and cranberry juice. Your Wingman is quite partial to
vodka and cran.
Main Squeeze Cocktail (based on the classic Screwdriver)
2 ounces Orange Vodka
1/2 ounce Triple sec
2 ounces Fresh orange juice
Club soda
Add all the ingredients except the club soda to a tall glass
and fill with ice. Fill with club soda
and stir. Garnish with an orange wheel
Since your Wingman operates out of the state of South
Carolina, I feel the need to add a couple recipes from my local distillery.
Blueberry Firefly
1 ounce Firefly Sweet Tea vodka
2 ounces blueberry simple syrup (recipe below)
Freshly-brewed sweet tea, and not that powdered shit, either.
Keep it real.
2-4 fresh mint leaves
Ice
Make blueberry simple syrup by bringing one cup of water and
one cup of sugar to a boil over medium high heat. Add a 1/2 cup of blueberries
(fresh or frozen) until they are soft. Use a spoon to mash them a bit. Strain
out the blueberries and discard. Or save them for a smoothie.
Once the simple syrup is cool, mix the syrup and vodka over
ice in a highball glass. Fill the rest
of the glass with sweet tea and garnish with mint leaves.
Firefly Cider
2 1/2 ounces Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka
2 ½ ounces Fireball Cinnamon Whisky
1 ounce Apple liqueur (I highly recommend Berentzen
Apfelkorn)
Splash of soda
Mix over ice in a highball glass and stir. Garnish with an
apple slice if desired.
Harvest Highball
1 ½ ounces lemon vodka
½ ounce lime juice
½ ounce simple syrup
2 ounces ginger beer
Add all the ingredients except the ginger beer to a shaker
and fill with ice. Shake well and strain into a highball glass filled with
fresh ice. Top with the ginger beer and garnish with a lime wedge.
Cucumber Mojito
2 ounces cucumber vodka
1 ounce fresh lime juice
2 tsp sugar
6 mint leaves
Muddle mint leaves, sugar, and lime juice in a Collins glass.
Fill with ice and add vodka. Top off with soda water. Stir lightly and garnish
with a cucumber wedge.
The Cosmopolitan
1/2 ounce lemon vodka
1 ounce triple sec
½ ounce fresh lime juice
1 dash cranberry juice
Add all the ingredients to a shaker and fill with ice. Shake,
and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Garnish with a lime wedge.
And since everything in the universe seems to revolve around
bacon…
The Shrimp and Bacon Bloody Mary
1½ oz. Bacon Vodka in a pint glass filled with ice.
Fill glass with tomato juice
1 dash each of celery salt and ground black pepper
2-4 dashes each of Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco
Shake and pour into an Old Bay-rimmed (optional) glass.
Garnish with a celery stalk, a slice of thick-cut crispy bacon, and a chilled
shrimp.
So there you go, my legions. Now you're all vodka experts. Go forth and experience the Little Water, and do it responsibly. Who's got your back? I do.
