Saturday, January 25, 2014

Do you see what I see?

 

According to a recent study the majority of Americans, 61% in fact, wear glasses or contact lenses or use reading glasses, up from 57% a decade ago. I fall into that category myself. I've worn glasses since my freshman year of high school and annually I find myself at the optometrist deciphering eye charts and determining which is clearer, 1...or 2...3..or 4?

Chart showing the ages and numbers of people wearing glasses

It's called a Phoropter. Seriously.

I wear contacts most of the time, because it's far more practical at my day job to not wear glasses. I'm myopic, which means I'm near-sighted. In fact, I'm REALLY nearsighted. I'm not quite to the point where I need bifocals yet, but I do often joke that if my glasses got any thicker I could see the future.



Kids can be merciless in their teasing when it comes to wearing glasses. Sadly, this leads kids to feel like outcasts for needing vision correction, and that leads to adults who are self-conscious and uptight and vain about wearing glasses, and hence may refuse to wear them even though they need them. I've known people so vain about being seen in glasses that they didn't even own glasses to wear after they took their contacts out for the night.

In my own experience, I've found that women tend to be more vain about wearing glasses than men, and that's a shame...women in glasses are sexy as all get out. But I digress.

Gentlemen, glasses are no longer just a functional-but-utilitarian thing to be endured. They can make a statement and set you apart from the crowd. Say, for example, you're a prairie-dog in a cubicle farm or an office where everyone is basically wearing the same type of business attire, your options to stand out are limited. You can wear a unique and stylish ties. You can break the dreadful cycle of the white dress shirt and branch out into colors with coordinating ties. And you can have some badass glasses. Dare I even say, Dapper Specs...
After awhile, these guys just become interchangeable with a tie being the only difference.

Cube Farms suck. Don't be the average prairie dog. Be YOU.

Don't be a clone clown in a Clone Clown Suit. Be YOU.
BE YOU. Be the Dapper Man in the Dapper Specs.

I recently got new glasses. I found a set of frames I really liked almost a year ago, but when it came time to go ahead and get them, the shop where I saw them didn't take the new insurance from my employer, nor did they even have those frames on hand any longer. Thus started a 2-week marathon search where I went to 10 different shops and tried on nearly a hundred different sets of frames. Nothing grabbed me the same way that original set did. I knew what I wanted but had to find a way to get it instead of settling for a reasonable facsimile. I widened my search of available retailers for said frames and found a place a hundred miles away that not only carried the brand but also took my insurance. And now I have what I wanted.

It's okay to be daring. Try on a variety of styles, but you absolutely have to take someone with you as a second opinion, preferably a lady friend who will give you an unvarnished opinion on what you're trying on. As with most things, what YOU think looks good on you may not necessarily be true in the eyes of the those who will see you. Remember how that wisdom held true in my article on smelling good? Trust The Wingman; he knoweth of that which He speaketh.



Some frames will look better on you (or worse) depending on your face shape. The frame shape should contrast with your face shape and the frame size should be in scale with your face size. I have a round face and find that rectangular lens shapes do best for me. I tried on a pair of round-frame glasses in a chic tortoise shell design knowing full-well that they'd look bad on me, and looked like a total imbecile in them. Round specs have that professor connotation and are a retro classic look but really, a narrower, thinner face works best for them. Actually, in my own opinion rectangular frames work for damn near everyone. But, as a general rule:

LONG FACE- Long faces are rectangular in shape with a strong chin and defined cheekbones.

Try: Large wide frames that extend beyond the temple with sides positioned in the middle of the frame, help add width and shorten the face.

Avoid: Small square styles that make your face appear longer.
round face.

ROUND FACE- Round faces generally have soft features and a rounded jaw line.

Try: Angular frames such as rectangles, will lengthen your face, add definition and draw attention to your cheekbones.

Avoid: Small round glasses or very large shapes that echo the shape of your face

OVAL FACE- Oval or heart shaped faces can be soft or angular, but are generally balanced in proportion.

Try: Rounded and square styles all suit this shape face. Slightly angular frames with a middle side position will add dynamic structure to your face.

Avoid: Heart shaped styles that echo the shape of the jaw.

SQUARE FACE- Square shaped faces have distinctive jawbones, full cheeks and an even jaw and chin line.

Try: Finer shallow frames such as ovals and soft rectangular shapes will help soften your features. Choose a frame with a high side position to add length to your face.

Avoid: Square styles and those that are wider than your face.

Apollo Sport computer glasses
FA206 by Factory 900

Flexon frames in Blue Suede Twilight

Chainring frames by Oakley

Junkyard frames by Oakley
Burberry 2105 in Dark Havana
Frederick frames by Miyagi



You have several possibilities for frame materials. Metal is traditional, and offers varied colors and shades, but for really experimental colors and funkyness go with acetate (ie: plastic). Some really exotic designers even go with wood in their frames. I tried on a really neat set of titanium wire frames (literally, the temples were thin wire) that were rimless, but they looked frighteningly fragile and I occasionally fall asleep in my glasses. Acetate plastic offers vivid colors and tortoise patterns, but depending on the frame design you'll likely need to skip actual glass frames and go with polycarbonate lenses. Polycarbs are lighter and lend themselves to anti-glare and scratch resistant coatings. I haven't had glass lenses in close to 20 years.

In the end I went with a frame called Voyeur from Marc Ecko, in a blue/black tortoise pattern. I almost got Helix model 104's in Gunmetal. It was a pretty close decision.

Helix 104's. I almost went with these.

Helix 103's

8361 frames by Manhattan

Ted Baker Eyeblast frames
Hay frames in ebony by Ted Baker. These exact frames are my glasses for the past 3 years

Many manufacturers have a virtual try-on feature on their websites where you can upload a photo of yourself and then select different frames for the program to superimpose on it. It allows you to do some of the leg-work at your own convenience before venturing out into the shops.

Mirage frames by NoeGo.
Vega 4 frames by Parasite
Plasma 1 frames by Parasite

Xion 2 frames by Parasite

French manufacturer Parasite (and their offshoot NoeGo has a lot of really wild frames.
The Lindberg Spirit frames I tried on. Dapper in a minimalistic way.

Jorn frames by Lindberg.



So take your time, look around, and explore. There are frames of every imaginable style and in every price range. There's no need to look like every other member of the herd. Stand out at the office, stand out at your local pub, stand out at the happening night spot or dance club. Glasses aren't the end of the world; quite the opposite. Contrary to what you may have in your head negative about glasses, they can be an essential (and dapper) fashion accessory in addition to being a functional tool. See, and be seen.

Would I steer you wrong? Never. Not the Wingman.

Who's got your back? I do.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

New Year, New Material: Bringing Dapper Back


Okay, your Wingman has been a Bad Human. He's neglected you, his faithful readers. And you not-so-faithful readers. And the new readers, and people who just accidentally wandered here by mistake in a drunken stupor looking for octopus porn or something equally as asinine.


I do have new material to share with you. I have new questions to answer for you. It's what I do.

dap·per (ˈdapÉ™r)

adjective: dapper; superlative adjective: dapperest

    1.(typically of a man) neat and trim in dress, appearance, or bearing.
    synonyms: smart, spruce, trim, debonair, neat, well-dressed, well-groomed, well turned out, elegant, chic,  dashing;

It's 2014 and the new focus is Bringing Dapper Back. By dapper, I mean, hell, take a look around you. Men are no longer giving a shit about how they look. Wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt is not dapper. Wearing Crocs in Mossy Oak with socks and shorts isn't dapper. And just because you coordinated your flat-brimmed ball cap in the same MMA theme of Old English script and a Celtic cross with a dragon and a tribal to match your shirt, it's still not dapper despite your protests that the shirt has a collar and buttons. So does a bowling shirt, chummy, and that is decidedly NOT dapper.






I'm not saying that we as men need to be stuffy and formal and never dress casually. Far from it. In summer I live in shorts and t-shirts, because where I live it's roasting-ass hot and I don't attend many dressy functions. But if you're going out on a date or out "on the prowl" so to speak, you need to look presentably dapper without looking like you just left a board meeting and without looking so relaxed you could pass as an extra from The Big Lebowski.

How many things are wrong with this picture?

Take pride in your appearance, from your style to your grooming. Don't look homeless on purpose.

Looking this disheveled is bad enough but to pay hundreds of bucks to do it is just stupid.



Don't be stupid about it either, thinking because you paid $60.00 for a plain t-shirt from a famous designer a size too small for you to show off your gym rat pecs that it's cool. I may not like that song from Macklemore all that much (it was played TO DEATH) but the man had a point about getting swindled by designers. If you pay more than 15 bucks for a plain t-shirt of any color, you should be slapped with a semi-frozen cod fish. It's possible to look decent without spending a ton of cash and without popping tags at the thrift store & getting a used garment that reeks of pee and mothballs. Any savings you garnered will have been squandered at the cleaners trying to make it wearable, vintage chic be damned.



In the words of the immortal Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket, "You will not laugh, you will not cry. You will learn by the numbers; I will teach you...".



Who's got your back? I do.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

Now Hear This: Volume 3 (Bonus Edition)



I know I just gave you guys some new tunes to listen to a couple weeks ago, but it seems I missed a few things. Firstly, there was at least one song that I was supposed to include in the last article and forgot about, and there were also a couple new offerings to speak of that I was at the time unaware of.

It's becoming Fall. Some of you are back to college. There's new albums dropping left and right. You want to stay cool & hip and with it, but seriously, avoid that instinct to just run with the pack. In a pack, unless you're the lead animal the view never changes. You'll always be looking at someone else's ass trying to keep up. So be the Alpha, the Leader. Let them follow you.

First, the Top 40 dreck to avoid...



Lady GaGa---Applause
At least she's honest. "I live for the applause, applause , applause, I live for the applause-plause-plause blah blah blah etcetera..." Yes, you want the adoration and applause. I get it. Most creative people don't just create for the sake of creating things, be it music or art or poetry or video or even blogging about other peoples' creations. Creative people also like the positive feedback that comes with their work. I get it. In a way I can be the same; I like positive comments back on my writing. However, I am not going to write a blog that says "I live for the comments-ments-ments-ments blah blah blah".  The song has some good synth parts and decent beats and the chorus is dancey as hell, but I just kinda tune out the verses and bridge. She's toned down the weird factor a bit at least. However, it's also on the air every 26 minutes and it gets old fast. Like most GaGa stuff. Like most of GaGa's "weird artsy chick" schtick.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------




Sara Bareilles--Brave vs. Katy Perry--Roar
Yeah, I know. It's been spoken of ad nauseum in the press, this similarity between the two songs. Bareilles herself has commented on it, as has Perry, and both claim no ill will towards each other, just peace love & jellybeans, and that any similarity is just coincidence. Sara's song, inspired by a freind's struggle with coming out, came out first but one of the team that did "Roar" claims it was written & recorded first, nanny nanny boo boo. It's another sugary girl power Katy song riddled with that staccato stutter delivery where she turns a one-syllable word into two syllables. Sara wrote her song with Jack Antonoff of the band fun., and Perry wrote hers with Lukasz Gottwald, Max Martin, Bonnie McKee, and Henry Walter. Two writers vs. five, so I'm giving this one to Bareilles, although I really do have to give Katy points for her Eye Candy appeal alone. Turn on the radio right now and I guarantee one or the other is on and the other will follow in 17 minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Eminem--Berzerk
By the time you read this the official video will be out on Monday the 9th. The song debuted this week at #3 on the Billboard Top 100. It must be chock fulla bleeps and censored blurbs after listening to the full version. It's loud and brash, kinda like the old Eminem we were used to a decade ago, but Em is also turning 41 next month so how long can we milk the Angry Young Rapper cow? The song is built around Billy Sqiers' "The Stroke" with sprinkles of Beastie Boys tossed over the top. The preview audio video should remind 80s kids immediately of LL Cool J's debut album "Radio".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


Avril Lavigne--Rock N Roll
Okay, seriously, you're pushing 30 and been married twice, so the bratty teen punky pop gothy cheerleader with racoon mascara gimmick is getting tired. This pretty much sounds like 90% of her other stuff, with the big saving grace being Danica McKellar (ever so hot at 38) kissing her in the Tank Girl ripoff video.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------


One Direction--Best Song Ever
No, it's not. It's sugar-frosted pre-packaged crap that rips off The Who's "Baba O'Riley. Thankfully, Pete Townshend is a generous man and didn't sue them. I have very little use for boy bands and really, unless you're a twelve year old girl awaiting her first period, neither should you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, Wingman, now that you just shit on all the popular music, what should I listen to?

Well, not all the popular stuff is to be avoided. Remember, a lot of the stuff I have recommended for you guys in the past became popular after I sent it your way.I'm not against stuff becoming popular if it's good, but I want you guys ahead of the game. Lead dog, remember. When they're looking at your asshole and listening to the same song every 26 minutes, you'll have already moved on to the next big thing.



Lana Del Rey--Summertime Sadness (Cedric Gervais Remix)
Don't get me wrong. I am NOT a Lana Del Rey fan. After weeks and weeks of hearing everyone on alternative radio rave about this hot new chanteuse with the smoky vocals and gorgeous looks, I caught an interview with her where she seemed bored & disinterested & jaded. And then I caught her on Saturday Night Live and decided right there & then that everyone who was raving about her was up their own ass with a hacksaw. And honestly, Summertime Sadness only works for me in the radio remix by Cedric Gervais. Otherwise, the original is dull and lifeless, like Lana Del Rey. It makes Joy Division sound upbeat. However, Gervais saves the day with some great EDM grooves and it offsets her deep mopey vocals.



Okay, on to the good stuff...



Depeche Mode--You Should Be Higher
Look, chummies, you should already know & own this track. Why? Because it's Depeche fuckin' Mode, that's why. The list of bands that owe their inspiration and lineage to Depeche Mode is massive. This is the third single off their Delta Machine album, the album they are currently selling out stadiums supporting here in the States. Trust me, fellas, you can never go wrong playing Mode in the car on a date. It says "This dude has a sophisticated palate.".


Feathers--- Land of the Innocent
Feathers was an accidental find, and in my estimation accidental finds are often the best ones. I was watching a news video and the next video in line was about Feathers, and the reporter called them a female Depeche Mode. That was enough to raise an eyebrow and pique my curiosity, indeed. Hailing from Austin, Texas, these ladies do indeed live up to the hype and then some. The lead single off their album If All Now Here begins with a synth riff that reminded me of an early Depeche Mode B-side and old-skool fan favorite called Ice Machine. It blossoms into an ominous, velvety, thick groove with angelic vocals over the top. It pays homage to the synth bands that came before them while paving a new path yet untrod. Get the whole album; it's REALLY good.

Who's got your back? I do...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Now Hear This, Volume 2: Tunes for the Times


Summer is coming to a close, kids are headed back to school, and soon the leaves will be a-changing. Hopefully your summer was chock fulla good times enhanced by songs I helped you discovered back in the spring.

The summer was a bit of a dead zone this year in my humble yet correct opinion, but recently I've stumbled onto some tunes to swing your way if you haven't discovered them yet. Some of them aren't exactly new but have been percolating all summer and are about to break loose. However, our first track just got officially released today.



Blue October--Bleed Out
A few years ago Blue October hit the scene in a big way with a raw, emotional song called "Hate Me"., followed by the quirky hit "Into the Ocean", but my favorite has always been "Calling You". This one may end up becoming my new favorite. It's a matured, grown sound but still powerful and emotional. If you guys get behind this we can make this song huge.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Calvin Harris featuring Ellie Goulding -- I Need Your Love
Suddenly everyone is all about Scottish DJ Adam Richard Wiles, who goes by the stage name Calvin Harris. Hot on the heels of his big hit Sweet Nothing, featuring the tremendous vocals of Florence Welch (without the Machine) comes another floor stomper, this time with the vocal stylings of electro-dance chanteuse Ellie Goulding. Look, you either like Ellie or you don't. Her voice is unique to say the least. It took me a few listens to get to liking her. Her singles Lights and Anything Can Happen had to grow on me. This one, however, grabbed me pretty much immediately.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Zedd featuring Foxes-- Clarity
This one actually did have to grow on me. I'd seen the song title a few times on the dance charts and alt charts at Billboard's website but paid no real attention to an unfamiliar name. I know, that's wrong of me to do so...otherwise how am I ever going to learn new artists? Young Anton Zaslavski, known in the DJ biz as Zedd, is fast becoming the new darling wunderkind of the EDM world. It took a couple listens for me because it starts out slow and them wakes up. Vocals come courtesy of Louisa Rose Allen, who records under the name Foxes.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 The Neighborhood--Sweater Weather
This song has been kicking around alternative radio for months and is just now making its way to Top 40 radio. It does nothing for me.. Sorry. It's not that I dislike it, but it simply doesn't grab me or do anything for me. Still, it beats listening to Justin Bieber.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bastille--Pompeii
This, however, grabbed me pretty quick. Currently ripping its way up the alt charts and poised to crossover any minute now, Pompeii has London-based Bastille meshing a Coldplay-meets-Mumford & Sons feel with a tribal dancey beat. Teen girls will get all damp in the britches over lead singer Dan Smith, who looks like a fresher-faced Adam Levine without the whine or the tattoos.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lorde--Royals
The other inescapable name on alt radio this week is Lorde, the stage name of Ella Yelich-O'Connor. All of 16 (yeah, jail bait so stop what you were thinking), she's the biggest thing to come out of New Zealand since Lord of the Rings. The first few seconds of the song I thought it was going to be some kind of Amy Winehouse meets Fiona Apple dirge but it's really more like Fergie meets Lily Allen.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, of course, there is other stuff out there to listen to, but it's standard Top 40 fare. It's being played every 30 minutes on a non-stop rotation ad nauseum.



Daft Punk & Pharrell Williams--Get Lucky
Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell Williams and T.I.--Blurred Lines

Seems Pharrell Williams is everywhere these days. I can take Daft Punk every now & then, and it was the only listenable feature of that suck-fest Kanye West called "Stronger". This, however, is just re-hashed 70s disco drivel. The Robin Thicke track is also bordering disco cheese but is a bit more catchy. Then again, so is the clap and you don't want that, either. I purposely chose to include the Unrated Version, because someone has to have the balls to show some naked boobs to make this worth watching.





---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Miley Cyrus--We Can't Stop
Speaking of things that are catchy but you wish weren't, there's Miley Cyrus and her new youngster party anthem, We Can't Stop. The video is a goofy little acid trip, with unexplainable shit like dancing with giant stuffed animals on your back and dressing like a call girl in high heeled sneakers. Sadly it gets in your head like that worm Khan shoves in your ear in Star Trek II and you feel dirty for listening.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And I shall leave you with the most surprising track I discovered this summer. Thankfully there are still young people out there willing to take the time to classically train and  properly master a  musical instrument, like Spencer Ludwig (provinding the trumpet on Capital Cities smash single "Safe & Sound") and violinist/dancer Lindsey Stirling, who mixes her beautiful violin strains with wicked dubstep grooves. This is an awesome track for driving.