Saturday, March 30, 2013

Single Guy Essential: The Go-Kit

Who are you? Where am I? Why does my mouth feel like a cat box?

Ever watch one of those cookie cutter rom-com films where the guy & girl meet at some trendy bar or club, are instantly attracted to each other, and they end up at her apartment where they wake up the next morning after a drunken fumble?

Of course you have. Maybe not by choice, but you've seen them.

And if you're like me, you've called shenanigans on the guy who stayed all weekend wearing the same clothes that were sweated in and funked-up at the bar, without his toothbrush or pit-stick, or even contact lens solution. It's total crap.

That's why I recommend every guy who is single & looking to carry a small Go Kit in their car trunk.

No, I'm not talking about some Doomsday Prepper Zombie Apocalypse Bug Out Bag full of dehydrated food and extra ammo. I'm not against having one of those though.

This is more of an emergency, just-in-case, overnight bag. In all honesty, it doesn't even have to be for a night when you get lucky. What if you just get stranded somewhere? Or you're out at a friend's party and get past the point where you should drive, and a cab isn't an option? It's still a savvy plan to have some emergency essentials on hand if you gotta crash on someone's sofa.

First, the bag. It doesn't have to be a suitcase, just a small kit bag less than bookbag/knapsack size to grab quickly. Don't look like you're moving in. I suggest maybe the excellent gear bag from Man-PACK (whom I neglected to include in my Man Bag article) or the flight bags from Rothco. Or, for you old-schoolers, an Army surplus tanker's tool bag or Air Force flyer's kit bag. Don't go all leather and brass; this is gonna sit in your trunk 99% of the time, chummy.

Now, time to fill your bag. This may sound completely & utterly obvious to some, but having a checklist isn't always a bad thing. You're more or less putting together a quick travel shaving kit with a few extras.

Get thee to Target or WalMart and hit up the travel sized items.

*Get yourself a travel toothbrush and some toothpaste.

C'mom, Wingman; she'll have toofpace at her crib...

This may be true. Hell, we pray it's true. But it may not be one you like. And again, you may simply be stuck somewhere overnight, not waking up sticky and confused with a stranger. So do as I say, young grasshopper.

*Get a mini bottle of shampoo, shower gel, deodorant, and body spray. Remember my advice from smelling like a man: coordinate your smells.

But Wingman, she's gotta have soap & shampoo at her place, right?

Yeah, but do you wanna smell like hibiscus & pomegranate & peaberry and Teen Spirit? Smell like YOU...the dude she liked the smell of when she brought your goofy ass home to ride like a cheap carnival attraction.

*Carry a couple condoms. Better safe than sorry. You can laser off a bad tattoo....herpes really is forever.

Aw, Wingman, seriously? Jimmy hats?

Yes. Shut your pie hole and pay attention, troop.

*Pack a clean t-shirt, socks & skivvies in a gallon-sized Ziploc freezer bag.

Why the bag, yo?

So you can put your nasty drawers and socks and shirt from last night in the bag and seal the stink in the Ziploc and not your kit bag.

*If you wear contacts, pack a spare lens case and travel size cleaning solution.

I sleep in my lenses, boss.

Okay, touche. Some of you have lenses you can sleep in. Some of you do not, and your eyes will HATE you in the morning after you go hang out at a smoky club and sweat gets in your eyes and then you slept in them. You'll wake up with eyes blurry, gooey, and redder than a baboon's ass. Decidedly unattractive, mate. So as you bask in the afterglow and scuttle off to the john for the after-piss, pop your lenses out. If you have a spare pair of glasses, pack them. If not, go blind awhile. You'll live.

Should I pack shaving gear?

Not really, unless you have a thick pelt that grows back supremely fast. If so, get travel size shave goo and a disposable razor. Otherwise, save the space in your kit and look scruffy.

WISDOM TO REMEMBER: Every so often change out the stuff in your kit with fresh supplies. Stuff can go bad sitting in your trunk waiting for you to use it. And remember to RESTOCK your kit after you use items.

Optional: Spare phone charger. Expensive option, I admit. You could just skip checking your phone and pay attention to your host, y'know. Your call.

WARNING! DANGER! MINEFIELD! -- Now, you may luck out and not get questioned as to why the hell you have a pre-positioned Go Kit in your trunk. Or you may have to explain. You can be up front and say you simply like to be prepared like a responsible adult. Or you can sugar coat it and say that you once got stranded with no gear once and swore to never again be caught without a toothbrush. Or if she gets pissy about it, just say "Hey, you're the one who brought me home."

Herein lies the rub: There is a serious double standard about bringing someone home. If she has to leave your place at 7AM looking disheveled and carrying her heels, it's a Perp Walk or Walk of Shame. A dude leaving a girl's place at 7AM looking like a hobo with a hangover, and that's called the Pride Stride. With a Go Kit you can actually clean up a bit and stay for coffee and look human going home afterwards later in the morning or afternoon and no one is the wiser. Of course, she may still kick you to the curb at sunrise with an empty promise to call you, but at least your teeth will be clean when you stop at Starbucks for a $40.00 double skinny half-caf caramel triple foam moltogrande Crappiato. But that's a blog for another day...

Who's got your back? I do.

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