Smelling like a million bucks

Dear Wingman, 
                         Can you suggest the best cologne for picking up hotties at the club?
                                                                                                Sincerely,
                                                                                                 Scentless in Seattle

Guys, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as your Virtual Wingman, someone's gotta level with you.

Most of you stink.

It's not your fault. You bathe. You use a big name scented body wash. You have a great shampoo that smells terrific. You spritz your coiff with a bitchin' pomade. You use freshy fresh deodorant with a guaranteed anti-perspirant. You toss on the body spray that they say drives the wimminz insane. You add a liberal splash of that expensive trendy cologne they advertised in the glossy ad in your favorite men's magazine you read when you're on the toilet.

Yes, we know you read on the shitter. We all do it. We're guys.

And this, my friend is why you stink.

But Wingman, whatever do you mean?


Smell that magazine you were reading. Smells like a dozen cologne ads fighting each other, right? Because they are.

Think about it, Chummy. You are a veritable cornucopia of clashing scents. You have the natural smell of your body, and then you use a scented soap or body wash, and then your pit-stick likely has another smell, your shampoo (if you have hair) has another smell. If you use a styling product it may or may not have a scent. If you have a body spray that's likely yet another flavor. And then, pile on yet another layer of scent with cologne? Dude, you're so wrong. The phrase "You smell like a French Whorehouse" comes to mind.

If you think about it and do it right, there's no reason for you not to coordinate your products and smell like a million bucks.

First off, a small disclaimer. I do not work for AXE. I am not being paid by AXE to advertise for them. I simply use the stuff and like it. That said, seriously, AXE is one of the smartest things to happen to men's hygiene in years. At first I resisted trying their stuff because the advertising was so totally out of my demographic. They made it sound like all you had to do was roll out of bed at 8PM, spray on some AXE (or their competitor, the now-defunct TAG) and the lay-tays would climb into your lap & start removing their clothes. I mean seriously, the advertising was that overt. The gist was, "Use this and get laid immediately.", no matter if you're a hideous CHUD or not.

As an aside, the downside to this is that  guys who actually were CHUDs were all butthurt when they still weren't getting any, and a lot of guys started to think that a can of spray-on Whore Gravy was a substitute for actual bathing and clean clothes. Dudes, especially teen boys, would SOAK in it.

Gentlemen, allow me to assure you that there is no substitute for washing your ass and wearing clean and serviceable clothes. Proper grooming is essential to being a member of polite society.

The great thing about AXE is that they really opened up their line of products to make a complete grooming line. This allows you to coordinate the fragrance of your body wash, deodorant, and body spray, with neutral-scented hair products, with no need for an expensive cologne whatsoever.

Wingman, why you be hatin' on cologne, yo?

I used to wear cologne too when I was younger. Started as a kid, really. My mom always thought it was cute to drop a couple trial-size bottles of shitty aftershave in my Christmas stocking every year; those great relics of the 70s like English Leather, Brut, and Jovan Sex Appeal (or Jovan Musk). Yes, in retrospect that's kinda creepy, getting Sex Appeal from your mom at age 9 but she was just helping a shy nonathletic bookworm kid feel more manly. In junior high I had a bottle of Goeffrey Beene's Grey Flannel and only used it sparingly, so that after awhile it just smelled like vinegar and spice. (Yeah, guys, cologne needs to be used, lest it go bad). In high school the transition was made to Pierre Cardin and then Drakkar Noir, like every 80s kid.

As an adult, I transitioned over to what was to be my signature scent for awhile, HUGO by Hugo Boss. I wore it the bulk of the 90s.

Then around 2002 I changed over to a different scent from the same guy. BOSS by Hugo Boss. I liked it a lot. Then I met the future Mrs. Wingman and... she hated it. The smell made her gag. And herein lies a lesson:

Just because YOU think it smells good, the lady folk may not like the smell on you. Every scent has to also mingle with your natural body chemistry and smells and some may not go together in a pleasant way.

I now had a $60.00 bottle of Smell Goods that was gonna be a waste. I held onto it until I realized our relationship was headed in a permanent direction and then tossed it out. She loved the original Hugo on me but since I was wearing it so seldom I just kept a small travel bottle for date nights out. Since I started using the AXE products I stopped wearing cologne altogether for the above stated reasons. I came to the conclusion that it was of no need to wear an expensive scent on top of more scents and clash them all together to smell like the dumpster at a French whorehouse.

Guys, here is advice you can stash away as Essential Wingman Gospel: What you think smells good on you may or may not. Seek some smell advice from a trusted lady friend or significant other who will be brutally honest with you. Before you buy a full sized version of ANYTHING with a new scent, try it as a sample first. They make trial sizes of almost anything now, so test-drive it for 99 cents and see if it works with your natural chemistry. If not, move on. If it works, get the larger size and the invest in the corresponding products to coordinate your fragrances in a complimentary manner.

More Gospel: Use the spray sparingly. Do not douse yourself. Despite what the ads say, don't cross yourself arm pit to arm pit and across the chest and verily bathe in it. Less is more. Overdoing it will, again, make you smell like rotting vegetation.

The downside to my use of AXE stuff is that I'll get used to a great scent, and then they discontinue it or I simply can no longer find it. This just recently happened when I could no longer find the TWIST product line. It had happened before when I used CLIX, and VICE. I experimented with EXCITE and it was bland on me. I tried ANARCHY and Mrs. Wingman almost vomited. I smelled that DARK TEMPTATION and I almost vomited. Another downside is that not all of the body washes will have a coordinated deodorant and body spray. I love SNAKE PEEL but there are no sidekicks. The same with SHOCK and DEEP SPACE.

There is also a line of products very similar to AXE from Old Spice, with coordinated layering products of shower gels, deodorants, and body sprays. I played hell finding a scent I liked, and when I tried it out it was pretty weak. Some of you may find them satisfactory though, so don't let my experience dissuade you.

Thus endeth the sermon.

Go forth, minions, and stink no more!

Who's got your back? I do...